The hardness of today
the stinging around the eyes
the forced smiles like pushing against a rock
that has fallen in the way of my life.
I'm a cutter, but you won't see it
it's only on the inside that i make my incisions, the careless slashings of doubt, of regret.
I preempt myself with failure, set myself up to set myself back
I am not as unloved as I believe myself to be, but I believe myself to be
of course I believe in myself, maybe too much, and not enough in other people, other things
I know there are things in this world that are greater than me, that's not the problem
I know there are things in this world I'd rather didn't exist, and I'm one of them
This isn't a suicide note or a cry for help, no one wants to deal with that, I know I don't.
Carving out new time for myself. Trying to tie the days together with new vigor and substance. Loneliness nipping at my heals. I am alive. I am deciding things now for myself, by myself.
She was too big for this life
she wore her life like a too little jacket
a big rip down the back
she was a train
and i was the track, the ballast
there was no room for an elephant in our house
everything that was not made of her was squeezed out
my heart once sent word to me from another state where'd it'd run away to
warning me to get out
i didn't even know that it'd gone
So I stuffed pillows under the bed sheets next to where she lay
and i began to write letters that i would send back to my heart
she became very suspicious
light shinning from the living room, it stretched out lazily over her face
giving me away
when she came to collect me, i resisted
she cut me down with lightening
she was a jealous and controlling lover
Getting on a bus, I've just spent an entire night trying to figure out how to get out of a very large tree, and of course I'm naked. It's embarrassing, people could see.... so I'm very tired, and when I've at last clothed myself, I know that I have to go, go, go to work, I'm late actually.
For some reason, Asheville has Cleveland's public transportation system, the RTA. The bus pulls up, it's raining cats and dogs, and.... you're on the bus. I go to talk to you, I say, "I like you" and you say, "I like you.... and I'll put you on my long list of boys to kiss on rainy days."
Between hearing from kids returning from the convergence in Pitts and reading the shitstorm on all the Forums, i have to say that I'm more and more embarrassed to call myself an anarchist. But ultimately, i think that all this will serve us better to understand just exactly what we're talking about.
and i love it.
i ran into James on my way to The Green Sage (my number one free coffee depot). James is a guy i met a couple of months ago at the Queer We Go Again after party feat. Athens Boy Choir, Talon - the Radical? Queer(i guess), dance troupe and some other bands that i didn't think were very good at all - it just seemed that they were there because it was queers on guitars (too many shitty covers). At that party, i'd gone into the bar next door to escape the torrential downpour and in the process successfully swipe a nearly full pint of brew that'd been abandoned. James was there at the bar, at first interesting conversation and then uninteresting and rather annoying sexual innuendo and inquiries into my sexual tastes. For the most part i liked James but grew tired of him, it seemed that being new friends would be a challenge if he didn't knock it off with the flirting. Not particularly bad in other situations but it seemed to debilitate conversation, making it akward - not fun. As opposed to that fun sort of akward. anyhow, seeing James since is always weird; he looks at me with eyes so intense like he's trying to crack a code. i don't like it. We talk about maybe hanging out, i've taken his number at one occasion and the other few times i've seen him, i looked like i was in a hurry - at least i've hoped so - only having the time to throw out a wave and smile and carry on towards my destination. I'm thinking, give the guy some time to cool down, he might find himself in a good relationship with someone soon, a nice intimate, highly dependent, close attached emotionally binded relationship and maybe then the next time that we see each other and make plans, it won't end up being so tense and weird.
Well, today i ran into him. i saw him up ahead, walking my way and as i'm locking up my bike, he's made it to where i am. i toss him out a high-five but he deflects it and turns it into a hand holding. It's very uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable enough when someone denies a high-five but he was essentially denying it on the grounds that it wasn't intimate enough. A hand holding then, this is doubly weird because he's just looking into me hard again and i'm so not into this. Is he repeating mantras in his head about me or something? ergh! He invited me to a party and then another, one i'd already been invited to and it's all so weird. So i talk a lot, take up space with my words to create a barrier between us, to deflect any silent Law of Attraction intonements that may be getting focused on me. "I'm here to see my partner(reminding him), this is where i get free coffee." He was just on his way there too. To meet a friend. At the counter we stand side by side and talking to madeline, i say "This is Robert." Because i really think that that is his name. She acknowledges this new information and noone says a thing about it. A few minutes later, i'm sitting at a table when a guy comes in and walks up to me, stares right at my face and says, "You don't look like James, I'm looking for James." and it clicks, oh shit, his name is James not Robert. He'd be crazy to not to give up trying to charm me. The crazy thing here really might be that this could all be in my head. Suppose i imagine myself the victim of a sex crazed maniacs fantasy to try to bed me and really he just wants to be friends and for some reason the way he carries himself just really comes off wrong?
nah. Chris confirms it. That guy wants me. but yeah, he dresses drag real nice.
i saw my uncle bobby, who i hadn't seen in probably like 5 years. my uncle bobby really is a sweet guy, i've always liked him a lot. He's funny, he's sharp and he cares a whole lot about his family. Recently my Aunt Rhonda, his wife, was diagnosed with breast cancer; it's been really tough on the family to know how best to support. I'm actually pretty out of the family loop right now and have been for quite some time, though i make my attempts from time with a letter here and there. Last night i was reminded again, as i often am, that i should try harder to contact my family on a more consistent basis. My friend came to the Red Thread/Sunshine SS show here at the house (Gourmet Punx 69 Gay st.) looking obviously disheveled. During the Red Thread set, her sobs were heard well over the band and in consoling her, it was reveled that that morning her Memaw had passed. i too, have a Memaw, a grandmother who is very dear to me. i must write her a letter soon!
So in the dream, i approach my uncle to embrace him. I'm pleased to see him again. But during our embrace, i realize that we are in a church and just behind me, on a table is sitting a collection plate overflowing with money. My uncle begins to talk about the blessings of jesus christ and how he has brought us together again. Praise the lord. I'm disturbed because i'm having old fears from when i was young and i felt like Bobby had been pressuring me to go to Vacation Bible School at Liberty Babtist Church where he has been a member for years and years and years. i decide to try to slip some bills into my pocket while we're hugging, hopefully he won't see. But immediately, he calls me out on it. You're stealing from the church? I'm thinking "Stealing?! The nerve of you! You've just cheated a bunch of people out of this cash!" But i reply, "uh, i was just gonna ask if i could borrow a dollar." and holding out my hand for both of us to see, there's a huge wad of hundreds and on top is a four hundred dollar bill, which he plucks out of my hand and i say "four hundred? i didn't think..." "oh, no" he says, "they're real." and then i wake up.
Happy about getting better. Prior to getting horribly sick this past week, i was quite depressed. i'd been stressed out about being a new parent, potentially having little to no support from family and worried that my relationship with Kalil and madeline wasn't what it should be. What should it be? What should i be and how should i act? i wanted answers because it just didn't seem like i was doing the right thing. "i must be screwing up somewhere" goes my brain and i was trying to figure out another way of stopping that self-judgment without drinking. Drinking leads me to smoking and more drinking. IT really is a doozy for me, hard for me to control my impulses to consume. It shines a big spotlight, illuminating the hole in my heart and belittles my petty sadness. "What!? THis is what's been bothering you? How stupid and immature, how selfish!" Makes me feel guilty for having thought about such dumb things, wasted my time on these little insignificant fears. I think i'm ugly. I think that i read too slow. I can barely hear anything out of my left ear - i'm practically deaf and it causes me to look like a complete idiot when i don't understand a word that anyone is saying. I don't understand things and so noone should even try explaining. I'm easy game for getting picked on or taken advantage of. All those ideas that i have for working at Firestorm are going to be bad ones.
Now that i'm beginning to feel physically better, i'm beginning to feel better in general about life. I'm smart, i'm able, and i'm cute too! I'll take pride in my failures as if they were actual accomplishments. I'll wield the flaming sword of righteousness as i blaze my way into the new coparenting relationship that i am embarking on. i can multi-task and still make the best love ever. Organizer, lover, father and brother. We craft the best from our best.
swear to goddess i feel more burned out than even my stoner alcoholic roommates lately. Today my head hurts and i'm sore all over my body. i've been working so hard; cleaning houses for people. i bike out of town ten miles into the mountains to clean one persons house for a few hours and then bike back. ten there and ten back.
Last night at the This Bike is a Pipebomb show, i was feelin' my friends belly for the squirming little creature inside - a woman was walking by with a bloody hand. i borrowed the bars first aid kit, fixed her up and we got her a ride to a safe place(at least i hope it was safe) Typical story. SHitty boyfriend. She had to get away and gashed her hand hopping over a fence. SHe was wasted. Crying as she hugged me and thanked me, said she'd never forget me. These kind of interactions seems so commonplace to me anymore. I'm never surprised when i run into another abusive situation, another person trying to escape madness, hurt and scarred. Scared and running and falling right in it. i try to offer what ever amount of healing that i can and that's okay. It's an effort. i feel pretty tired myself right now and that's a frustrating feeling because i feel like i'm hardly even engaged in my own life much less anyone else's. My brain feels like dead weight sometimes. COncentration is hard. No wit inside. i just feel like staring into to space and floating in my dream, it's so easy to do. Critical thinking is a challenge. I'm passive. But i know it doesn't have to be that way. i can change that, i've just got to make a peace with myself. Self-confidence is the remedy. My lack of confidence initiates this state that i'm in. Hey great belle and sabastian song!